You probably don’t read or check up on this anymore but I guess that’s okay. You probably can’t tolerate my overflowing feelings and my continuous need to ramble about my life anymore.
And it’s okay since you know, I’m actually and amazingly slowly getting better (no lies here because I promised myself before that i’d be honest in front of you) I’m learning how to pick myself up and find myself again. I’m learning how to download my own television shows, bring my own umbrella to school and work around my forgetfulness. I’m learning how to love other things, like tiny bubbles and water-based paint and cloudy afternoons. I’m learning to get past my comfort zone and I’ve been doing all sorts of things I never had the courage to do back then. In fact, I’m even slowly and steadily learning how to open myself up to different people.
I guess all those don’t really concern you though since you seem pretty happy over there on your side of the campusworld. On the rare occasions that I find myself in that area, I guess I can’t help but glance to the side a bit and maybe find your face in the crowd. More often than not, I do not find you. But once in a while, I think I see half of your face or that lop-sided smile I used to joke about or even, on those really rare days, I think I hear you laugh.
When that happens, I do want to approach you and say hello the way that other normal ‘square three’ friends say hello but unfortunately, I resist. There’s still that awkwardness and that uncertainty and that wall that I’ve put up for myself. There’s that feeling that when I do say hi, I’ll be judged or ignored because, as much as it pains me to say this, you hurt me.
But you know what, it’s okay. I have to learn how to hurt because it’s in learning how to hurt that I learn how to be strong. I’m always afraid of reaching my limit break and getting to that “broken beyond repair” point. I’m always dodging thing and running away because I know facing things ends up just being more difficult. But that doesn’t make me prudent: that just makes me a coward.
And I refuse to accept that. I’ve been running away from conflict and sadness and fear all my life and if I plan to learn from these mistakes I made, it starts now. I’m tired of just accepting the fact that I am weak and afraid. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to finally realize that I indeed am “braver than I believe and stronger than I seem.” I want to be able to say, without having to convince myself over and over again, that indeed I am tough. I am love.
So I’m saying that yes, I’m learning how to be fine on my own. I’m learning to grow and accept the fact that things have changed. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that although it is hard to accept in your life, I’m perhaps just an ‘option’ or an ‘other’ or a whole set of other appropriate “o” words (how ironic) that can probably describe my current state. And it’s okay. Because, even if it may feel horribly and very much miserable right now, I WILL be okay.
However, in case you are still somewhat magically concerned, I hope you can let me say that I still miss you. Despite all the kadramahan I’ve bombarded at you, I want you to know that I’m still finding happiness despite all of this. And that, although it may not be the same for both of us, I still want to share them all with you. Maybe, just maybe, if circumstances work towards my favor, that “debut/wedding analogy” will be more than just an analogy.
But for now, no more shadows. No more dodging bullets or false expectations. No more lying to myself and hiding behind walls. I will be strong and I will be brave. I will keep breathing.
And maybe, when I’ve finally learned how to breathe on my own, you’ll come and sit beside me and with no malice or wrong intentions, we’ll start over again.
If you could, Enef would very much want that.
